How many times today have you said or thought to yourself, “I have to . . .”? Whether it’s an expression of urgency (“I have to leave by nine”) or burden (“I have to grade papers over the weekend”), habitually phrasing your intentions as have tos can make you feel constrained. Have tos make you the victim of your schedule or your commitments.
Instead, try rephrasing your sentence, no matter what it is, as “I choose to do X”. In Neil Fiore’s excellent book The Now Habit, he recommends this reframing as a way to feel less overwhelmed about a task that you’ve been putting off. Even when you’re not procrastinating, habitually listing the events of your day as have tos can be exhausting. Becoming more aware of how often you say or think “have to” and then gently rewording it as a choice or desire (I choose to, I want to) puts you into a more powerful place from which to act.
Saying “I have to” is, of course, a culturally acceptable form of social complaint. Who hasn’t felt a sympathetic bond with a colleague through complaining about workload? But that usually doesn’t make it easier to actually sit down to the task. If I’m feeling tired or overwhelmed, catching myself complaining (if only to myself) and then reframing the thought helps prevent me from spinning deeper into a cycle of procrastination and self-criticism.
I also use this exercise as a chance to connect the tasks of my day with my deeper values and priorities. So when I catch myself thinking or saying “I have to”, I reword it and then filI out the statement with the larger purpose this choice serves. So: I choose to leave by nine in order to be on time for my meeting. I choose to grade papers over the weekend in order to provide timely feedback for my students.
Sure, sometimes you have to dig kind of deep to figure out what larger value your choice might support. Maybe it’s as simple as being a law-abiding citizen or avoiding late fees. But taking a moment to remind yourself that you do usually have choices — even when you might not feel like it — puts you back in charge of your time and your attitude. Framing your actions and intentions with choice helps you to get started on less pleasant tasks and to make space for more pleasant ones.
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